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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ding dong

Mauri, my friend and fearless leader of our handbell choir, sent this out today (from HERE). If you've ever been in a handbell ensemble, you'll get it. Otherwise... well... maybe not. I have been ringing since I was a kid. I was even the director's TA in college. (Hey, it was an easy credit!) I laughed out loud when I read it :)

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THE 7 PEOPLE EVERY HANDBELL CHOIR NEEDS:

1. The Prima Donna

She’s listed first because she’s always listed first. She’s better 
than you, and you both know it. She’s not happy unless she has at
 least two bells in each hand, and when members of your choir miss a
 rehearsal, she’s known to commandeer their bells and play them in
 conjunction with her own. She’s like the monkey grinder street musician that can play 47 instruments at once. She could probably play the entire piece by
 herself and doesn’t really need you, but one step at a time. She can’t
 just have a coup d’etat and overthrow the Director….at least not yet.

2. The Legacy

Her grandparents played handbells. Her parents played handbells. In a 
few more years, her daughter will be joining the choir too. This
 member has handbells in her blood. Sometimes she can become a Prima
 Donna. A Legacy member can be 
sniffed out by choosing older pieces of music. She will be unable to 
refrain from saying, “Hey, this is my grandmother’s handwriting on 
this music!”

 She may also subscribe to Reader’s Digest and love episodes of Matlock, which is a weird thing for a 17-year-old to do.

3. The Incredible Hulk of Handbells

Burly and strong, this token male plays the big bells. He’s the guy standing at his own table with at least a dozen bells larger than your head in front of him. Bells that you would need two hands for, he can pick up with ease in one. He’s like the Thor of handbells. And when you finally see a bell that takes both of his massive fists to hold, you think he could have given Quasimodo a run for his money.

4. The Handyman

This indispensable member of the choir often seems to be the most 
popular after rehearsal, with everyone crowding around him trying to
get him to tighten their bell. Give him a bell and he can have it
 fixed in five minutes with a screwdriver, duct tape, and bubblegum. You’ve got to love a choir that requires one member to a MacGuyver. 

This guy is like the NASCAR pit crew of handbells.

5. The Nickelback

This person either can’t read music or has very limited range, like a 
former trombone player who can only read bass clef. She’s sometimes
 mistaken as a Prima Donna because she’s so territorial, but it’s
 not about territory. It’s about being able to play. She can’t switch 
spots with you because she can’t read the music at the other spot. So 
please, stop bothering her. She is a one hit wonder, or rather a one bell wonder and she would sooner hit you over the head with her bell than give it up. Like Nickelback’s endless stream of songs that all involve you living like you're dying, if today was your last day, remember the photographs, this person’s bell playing all sounds the same.

6. The Mercenary

This member does not even go to your church. Likely they attend a 
contemporary church nearby. So most Sunday mornings they’re singing 
their fancy hymnless devil music, but come Sunday afternoon they’re at your church 
ringing like the most holy. In rare cases, a mercenary plays at more
 than one church. This factor can be tested by trying to change the 
time of handbell rehearsal one day. If they complain, then it’s
 probably because they have another rehearsal to get to.

 They also tend to have above average forearms.

7. The Director

The Director has unnatural powers bestowed directly upon her by God.
 This crucial member has the power to make you take your hands off the
bells with a flick of her wrist. She’s been known to simultaneously 
direct and play to make up for that one empty spot. She can catch
 accidentally thrown bells out of midair. Often, she doubles as the 
Handyman. Don’t cross this magical creature. She holds more power in 
her baton than you will ever see in your life.

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