Monday, December 10, 2018

Nos. 41 - 47

No. 41: James Patterson's Merry Christmas, Alex Cross on audio book:
No. 42: Blake Crouch's Dark Matter on audio book. Brad recommended this one and it was worth listening to!
No. 43: Donna Andrews's The Nightingale Before Christmas on audio book:
No. 44: James Patterson's The Christmas Mystery on audio book:
No. 45: Jill Shalvis's One Snowy Night on audio book. Totally trashy and dumb :)
No. 46: Jan Burke's Liar:
No. 47: Angie Thomas's The Hate U Give on audio book. It was so good - highly recommend!

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Maybe I *am* mad

Months ago, my therapist asked if I was angry. Anger hasn't been one of my overwhelming emotions during these past (almost) 11 months. But I'm starting to realize I do have some anger in there.

I'm absolutely not mad at Dad. He was ill - and looking back at the 42 years we spent together, I see that more and more. All those times I thought he was just being a poop about stuff - not wanting to participate, getting angry about dumb stuff, acting like a doofus - that was his illness.
But now I'm starting to admit that I am angry that he worked so very hard to overcome these struggles and wasn't healed. He sought counseling and medication and prayer and meditation and exercise - all the things you're supposed to do. And it didn't work. He still, in whatever was going through his head in those moments, ended his life.

Am I mad at God? Maybe. I have good understanding of free will and all that. But he still could have healed my dad. Why do some people receive healing and some don't?? I guess that's the age-old question asked by everyone dealing with suffering.

I'm mad that my life has been disrupted to the point that I'm barely hanging on. I'm mad that I have to triage my daily tasks just to get through. I'm mad that I don't have the time or energy to enjoy the holidays like I want to. I'm mad that I'm not happy like I used to be. I'm mad that Mom has to move. I'm mad that she has to deal with all these things (moving, remodeling, house repairs) on her own. I'm mad that my mom lost her life partner.

I'm mad that my sister is struggling and is just as wiped out as me. I'm mad that Brad has to spend all his energy taking care of me. I'm mad that when people ask how I am, I have to decide whether to tell the truth or just say I'm fine.

I'm mad that my grandparents weren't better parents to my dad. I'm mad that my dad felt so desperate to have a relationship with his father that he basically traded his life for Grandpa's in the end. I'm mad that I have to live the rest of my life without my dad. I'm mad that I wasn't a better daughter. I'm mad that I wasn't more compassionate to his struggles.

I think the list could go on and on. That's all for now. No neat-and-tidy bow - just my feelings.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Holiday grief

The holidays are confusing right now. I want to be festive, but more than anything, I'm just exhausted. And I'm struggling to know the "right think" to do with celebrations and such.
I think the key is for people to be supportive and understanding. I don't need to be told how hard the first holiday season is/will be. Duh. I simply need your love and a little patience as I navigate this time.

This illustration is a good start to understanding how I feel.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

First grads

My CE2 student was the first graduate for the Class of 2019... in the entire Tigard-Tualatin School District!!!!!

Leina graduated on Oct. 11 - just a month after school started!
Enrique finished a few weeks later on Oct. 31:
So proud of these two - and all my other students working hard toward graduation 💓😃

Friday, November 2, 2018

Nos. 36 - 40

No. 36 - Deborah Coonts's Wann Get Lucky?
No. 37 - James Patterson's Jack and Jill on audio book:
No. 38 - James Patterson's Four Blind Mice on audio book:
No. 39 - James Patterson's Mary Mary on audio book:
No. 40 - James Patterson's Alex Cross, Run on audio book:
I took an audio book break over the summer because I was doing a lot of group projects. But I've been doing more solo projects in the last little while, and audio books help pass the time :)

I mostly read paper books at bed time. And because I'm so exhausted these days, I don't get many pages in before I fall asleep!

Thursday, November 1, 2018