Nos. 1 - 10

My first book of 2019 was started in 2018 - I just couldn't quite get it done. No. 1 - Twelve Slays of Christmas by Jacqueline B. Frost:

No. 2 - Dark Sacred Night by Michael Connelly:

No. 3 - The Brightsiders by Jen Wilde:

No. 4 - Starry Night by Debbie Macomber. I read this because it's a Christmas story - but it's also a romance. I really can't stand that genre and don't plan to read any more. Gross.

No. 5 - Darius The Great Is Not Okay by Adib Khorram:

And while I was listening to all those audio books, I was also reading a real paper book! No. 6 was Iris Johansen's Final Target:

No. 7 was The Summer of Jordi Perez by Amy Spalding:

No. 8 was Iris Johansen's No One To Trust in paperback:

No. 9 was Dear Rachel Maddow by Adrienne Kisner:

And to round out the month, No. 10 was Let's Talk about Love by Claire Kann:

I spent a lot of January doing some solitary chores while listening to audio books :)

Mental illness is no indicator of failure

"If you've lost someone, please remember that mental illness has swallowed whole millions of well-loved people. It is no respecter of persons or families. It is no indicator of failure. It makes no concessions for intentions. It tempts us to take on its blame and shame, but that is a great lie."

I just read these words by Jen Hatmaker, posting about the suicide of her friend's 18-year-old son.

So powerful. I'm posting them as a reminder to myself and to others out there dealing with hard stuff.

Here's the rest of the post:

Dear ones, if you are struggling, feeling alone and hopeless, please call someone. Reach out. Ask for help. You are desperately wanted and needed on this earth. You are not alone. There is no scarcity of hope; a portion exists for you specifically. You are created with much purpose. God loves you entirely. You are not a mistake. 

If you love someone with mental illness, I send so much love and strength to you in your difficult, sometimes confusing, important work. Thank you for staying close. Thank you for intervening. May you find rest when you are weary. Ask for help. Let people love you too. Let them in. You are doing your very best. There is no handbook here. 

If you've lost someone, please remember that mental illness has swallowed whole millions of well-loved people. It is no respecter of persons or families. It is no indicator of failure. It makes no concessions for intentions. It tempts us to take on its blame and shame, but that is a great lie.

💓

Approaching one year

It's almost been a year. I feel like I should have something deep and personal to say. I keep wondering what I should say, what I should write. 

But the thing about my writing is that I never force it. Sometimes my fingers just fly, and sometimes there's nothing. And the thing about my grief-stricken brain is that I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. SO... that makes it really hard to write something deep and personal.

I've been warned that the approaching one-year anniversary - just a couple weeks away - might hit me really hard. And, like the anxiety I felt before the holidays, that kinda freaks me out. I already scheduled the day off, ready to feel all the feels and be with Mom and Eryn and do whatever feels right and appropriate in the moment.

But I found that the holidays weren't as bad as I feared. In fact, the anxiety was definitely more intense than the events themselves. Not to say that it was all unicorns and rainbows, because it definitely was not. The sense of loss was real - not just the loss of Dad, but also the loss of tradition in Mom's house (we'll never have Christmas morning there again) and things we always do (did?) as a family. Things were very different, and we adopted a no-rules attitude. We allowed ourselves the grace to do what felt right. And I think it worked well enough. 

I'm beginning to feel some normalcy in life. Granted, it's a new normal, but things don't feel as frantic and obsessive now. Part of that came from a short reprieve we allowed ourselves around Christmas. We've been working hard to prep Mom's house for sale and also prep the new house to move in. We took a little break from those chores, which can be consuming. Now we're back at it, as the finish line is nearing - Mom's extensive remodel is almost done, and the old house will soon be on the market.

We're all ready to have this part of the process behind us so we can move on. But I'm also grieving the loss of my childhood home and all the memories there. But I'm excited to get Mom and Eryn into their new spaces. But... see - lots of mixed feelings.

Then there's a bit of guilt, which I think is just part of this process. The more "normal" I feel life is getting, the more guilt I feel that I'm feeling normal. It's a bit of a catch 22.

Well, I guess I had a bit more to say than I thought I did when I sat down this evening in front of the computer. Not too deep, but definitely personal.

We'll see what the next few weeks bring. 

Nos. 48 - 53

No. 48 was Donna Andrews's How the Finch Stole Christmas:

No. 49 was Deck the Hounds by David Rosenfelt:

No. 50 was A Nancy Drew Christmas by Carolyn Keene:

No. 51 was 'Twas the Knife Before Christmas by Jacqueline B. Frost:

No. 52 was Debbie Macomber's Dashing Through the Snow:

I listened to a lot of trashy Christmas books while running errands and doing holiday chores :)

And my last book of the year was No. 53: Liz Thomas's Long Trails: Mastering the Art of the Thru-Hike:

Brad dreams of someday doing a shorter thru-hike - possibly the John Muir Trail :)