Approaching one year

It's almost been a year. I feel like I should have something deep and personal to say. I keep wondering what I should say, what I should write. 

But the thing about my writing is that I never force it. Sometimes my fingers just fly, and sometimes there's nothing. And the thing about my grief-stricken brain is that I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. SO... that makes it really hard to write something deep and personal.

I've been warned that the approaching one-year anniversary - just a couple weeks away - might hit me really hard. And, like the anxiety I felt before the holidays, that kinda freaks me out. I already scheduled the day off, ready to feel all the feels and be with Mom and Eryn and do whatever feels right and appropriate in the moment.

But I found that the holidays weren't as bad as I feared. In fact, the anxiety was definitely more intense than the events themselves. Not to say that it was all unicorns and rainbows, because it definitely was not. The sense of loss was real - not just the loss of Dad, but also the loss of tradition in Mom's house (we'll never have Christmas morning there again) and things we always do (did?) as a family. Things were very different, and we adopted a no-rules attitude. We allowed ourselves the grace to do what felt right. And I think it worked well enough. 

I'm beginning to feel some normalcy in life. Granted, it's a new normal, but things don't feel as frantic and obsessive now. Part of that came from a short reprieve we allowed ourselves around Christmas. We've been working hard to prep Mom's house for sale and also prep the new house to move in. We took a little break from those chores, which can be consuming. Now we're back at it, as the finish line is nearing - Mom's extensive remodel is almost done, and the old house will soon be on the market.

We're all ready to have this part of the process behind us so we can move on. But I'm also grieving the loss of my childhood home and all the memories there. But I'm excited to get Mom and Eryn into their new spaces. But... see - lots of mixed feelings.

Then there's a bit of guilt, which I think is just part of this process. The more "normal" I feel life is getting, the more guilt I feel that I'm feeling normal. It's a bit of a catch 22.

Well, I guess I had a bit more to say than I thought I did when I sat down this evening in front of the computer. Not too deep, but definitely personal.

We'll see what the next few weeks bring.